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these signs were everywhere… constant reminders of our
self imposed confinement |
I have been on the road nearly 3 months now on my Adventure/Vision Quest! Along the way I have had what I call "appointments" with various people I meet… those individuals with which I experience particularly poignant encounters.
This 10 day Vipassana retreat was my appointment with my Self.
After arrival at the retreat center near Jesup, Georgia, there was a short period of time that speaking was still allowed. I met and visited with my roommate, a lovely Pakistani Muslim woman about my age from Atlanta who I felt very comfortable and at ease with. We were lucky to have been assigned one of the best rooms in the building… slightly larger and more private than the others. The younger women were in rooms filled with bunk beds and far more bodies. The advantages of age!
After dinner we all congregated at the Dhamma Hall where we were directed to individual assigned meditation cushions that would be ours for the entire course… and the silence commenced. One of my main concerns had been the comfort of sitting in a meditation position for long periods of time… and to my great relief, a back support contraption miraculously materialized for my use without even directly asking! Another sign to trust the Universe that my needs will be met.
Okay, I was set now.
The first couple of days were pretty rough. Acclimating to a 4:00am wake up call and sitting for long hours in mediation challenged me to the point of exhaustion, queasiness, chills and low grade fever. When I discovered that the predawn sessions were not mandatory, I happily reset my alarm clock to harmonize with the serving of breakfast at 6:30am. Although I did attend some of the morning meditations in the hall, sleeping when my body needed to saved my sanity! Earplugs helped too. :)
Part of the course mandate included agreeing to several precepts including not killing anything… okay, no problem. But on the 3rd day as I was out exploring a section of the property within the women's boundaries, I absentmindedly and with gusto poked two deep holes (with a walking stick I had found) into a mound of soft dirt that I did not realize was an ant hill. Suddenly thousands of ants were scrambling in a thick mass over the entire area. Oh no! I had crushed some of the ants and caused extensive damage to their home! How could I have been so careless?! I was mortified. Had I flunked Vipassana!? Should I go to the teacher and confess my crime... and perhaps be kicked out of the program for violating the rules!? From surveying the damage and considering the size of an ant, I estimated it would take weeks or months to repair the devastation. :( I forgave myself the best I could and vowed to check on them every day.
Up until day 4 we had been taught a preliminary technique to prepare us to begin the official Vipassana meditation. During this time we were allowed to shift and readjust our sitting position as much as desired… it took about that many days to finally find my most comfortable arrangement of various pillows, blankets, arms and legs. Then began the "strong determination" meditations… mandatory one hour group sittings 3 times a day without moving… and boy was I determined! I successfully surrendered to the process to the degree that I was actually able to sit without repositioning or opening my eyes for the entire time… every time. I was encouraged and grateful that I was not in agony as was common. On the evening of day 8, I even experienced energetic vibrations in my body that were so intense I felt like I could almost levitate! The vibrations even continued on for a good 30-40 minutes after I crawled into bed that night. Fun stuff!
As the days went on it was interesting to observe the thoughts that came into my mind... and realize that some of the things I might have said (could I speak) often involved aversion towards a minor situation or circumstance that I wanted to be different. At some level I realized I didn't trust that things would work out, and I wanted to try and control the outcome to my liking. Understanding that this was part of my "process" I kept my mouth shut and experienced things resolving themselves on their own… or coming to the understanding of how inconsequential they really were. For example, I became hyper sensitive to fragrances and smells of the people around me. Even though there were signs in the dorms requesting students not to use any perfumed products, it was not always heeded. But eventually it just didn't bother me any longer… I was experiencing the Buddhist concept of impermanence or "Anicca" - that things are always in state of flux… arising and passing away… eternally changing. I decided that once I returned to the outside world, I would be more conscientious about when and whether I open my big fat mouth about anything... and ask myself: "If I was at Vipassana, would I say that?"
My greatest delight over the course of being in complete silence with absolutely no communication with the other humans around me (not even eye contact!) was one remarkable and extraordinary way we did end up relating with one another. It began slowly. As I was leisurely exploring the women's walking path, I noticed small changes in some bits and pieces of nature that did not appear to be natural… a dried leaf propped into the crack at the top of a post… a pine needle threaded and tied in a knot through a leaf… it was subtle and quite mysterious. I began adding my touches to these statements to communicate that I had seen them. It grew and expanded from there… with miraculous co-created pieces of artwork eventually evolving from the simple items found in nature… beautiful intricate mandalas of pinecones and various colored leaves and other items... groupings of berries, moss and sticks... frames of contrasting colored leaves around beautiful and exotic mushrooms growing out of the ground, stick drawings in the sand... and my favorite - a bunny created with leaves for ears and tongue, and a clump of lichen for the tail made from an old decayed tree stump sticking out of the ground! It felt so amazing to discover these treasures as they magically appeared throughout the days and to know that we were all witnessing each other in such a creative and joyful way! Truly heart expanding. <3<3<3
Checking on the ants less than 24 hours after damaging their home, I was thrilled and delighted to see that the holes (that had been about 7 inches deep) were 3/4 of the way filled up! Wow! I was blown away by how quickly and efficiently they had worked to begin repairs. Truly a lesson in determination and perseverance! By the time the course ended there was not even a trace of a scar… a reminder to not overreact and simply do what needs to be done… very much in line with the teaching of the Vipassana philosophy that talked about working patiently, persistently and diligently… and observing things with equanimity and without aversion or craving for them to be different. A powerful lesson for me.
Overall, the silence and not speaking was fairly easy… the more challenging aspects involved the restriction of my time... and loss of autonomy and freedom. There were only short periods in the day that we were allowed to be outside… otherwise, even when meditation was not mandatory, the only other option was to sit in your room and meditate, stare off into space... or sleep. Another difficult task for me was eating on a strict schedule regardless of whether or not I felt hungry. When I described the experience to my son he said "but mom, that sounds like being in jail". And indeed, that's what it often felt like. My commitment got me through it and I'm grateful for the experiences and awarenesses I cultivated, but I was so giddy and excited to be done that I could hardly wait to get out of there!!! I had planned on attending the final community breakfast after the extra-early mandatory meditation and one hour video discourse beginning at 4:45am on that final morning... but when I found myself once again a free woman, I couldn't help but eagerly and enthusiastically throw all my belongings in my car and exuberantly speed off towards my newly appreciated freedom without even saying goodbye to my roommate at the breakfast I never made it to! (sorry, Firoza …you know how excited I was that morning!)
It also reaffirmed my spiritual path that I am on, and encouraged me to continue my commitment to my own evolution through "A Course in Miracles". During the video discourse we watched every evening (a highlight of the day for me) by the founding teacher, S. N. Goenka, explaining the technique and philosophy of Vipassana, it was comforting to hear the same common Universal Truths that are the foundation of most spiritual thought systems. It's nice to know that there is a path for everyone who wants one!
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Blessings on your path of expanding more and more into your own magnificence!
